Heaven on Wheels: Most people assume WWJD stands for "What would Jesus do?" But according to Scott Ostler of the San Francisco Chronicle, the initials are shorthand for "What would Jesus drive?"

For centuries, theologians have squabbled over the type of transportation the Lord would use: Public transit or private car? Stick shift or automatic? A sport-utility vehicle roomy enough for all 12 apostles or an economy model?

(We're not sure how a Geo Storm could be considered terrifying, unless it had those scary shooting flames painted on the sides.)

Some scholars insist that Jesus drove a Honda, but didn't like to talk about it. As proof, they cite a verse in St. John's gospel where Christ tells a crowd, "For I did not speak of my own Accord, but the Father who sent me commanded me what to say.'"

However, there is debate over whether the vehicle had bumper stickers such as "Save the Humans," "My other car is a flaming chariot" or "Honk if you love me."

Meanwhile, Ostler has uncovered several other religious theories:

Operators Aren't Standing By: The music world is in big trouble. Deregulation of the telecommunications industry has made it nearly impossible to write decent lyrics that refer to phone calls.

For example, in the Tommy Tutone song "867-5309 (Jenny)," the line that says "For the price of a dime I can always turn to you" is now obsolete. To comply with current pricing structures, the word "dime" would have to be updated. The revised lyric would be: "For the price of 35 cents (or free if I'm using my cell phone and calling on a weekend, in which case I have 500 minutes included, unless you're outside my service area and then roaming charges apply), I can always turn to you."

As you can see, it's somewhat less poetic.

Another problem is the increased automation of directory assistance. Consider Jim Croce's classic tune "Operator," which would now go something like this:

Croce: Operator, oh could you help me place this call?

Automated voice: Welcome to Pacific Bell directory assistance. City and state, please.

Croce: 'Cause I can't read the number that you just gave me.

Automated voice: For automatic dialing of this listing, press 1. An additional charge of 50 cents will apply.

Phone industry changes would also necessitate revamped lyrics for Blondie's "Call Me,'' as follows: "Call me on the line, call me, call me any anytime -- except please use 1-800-COLLECT, because it'll save me a buck or two.''

Bumper Sticker Patrol: The San Francisco Chronicle spotted this Green Party presidential sticker: "Bush and Gore make me Ralph"

Supermarket Tabloid Headline of the Week: "Astronauts Want to Take Hookers on Space Flights!'' (Weekly World News)