September 27, 2000
Campaigning to Be Your
By Roy Rivenburg
Toga Party 2000: OK, it's time to take off the gloves. A year ago, we joined the race for president, pledging to restore dignity to the White House by emulating the Founding Fathers and bringing back powdered wigs like the ones worn by George Washington, Thomas Jefferson and Barbara Bush.
Now, phase two of the campaign begins -- presenting our bold vision for America's future:
It's aimed at people who have "less and less time to take care of life's little chores.'' So if there's trouble in, say, the Middle East, we'll just contact Mylackey.com to do the invasion. And satisfaction is guaranteed. If they lose, we don't have to pay. More importantly, slashing the military will save billions of your tax dollars, which we'll redirect toward increasing our presidential salary.
As for the polls, sure, we're trailing now, but only because we haven't held our party convention yet. We're not going to make the same mistake Bush and Gore did. By holding their nominating conventions in August, any bounce they got in the polls has long since worn off. In contrast, our carefully scripted convention--complete with a Gore-style kiss of an inflatable woman--will fall three days before the November election, giving us enough bounce to assure victory.
Quote of the Week: Vice President Gore, thanking a group of Hispanic supporters in New Mexico: "Machismo gracias!''
Press Releases We Ignored: "Straight Talk on Soy,'' "Top Swine Genetics to be Exhibited During World Pork Expo'' and "Pajamaology: Your Sleepwear Reveals Your Personality.''
Supermarket Tabloid Headline of the Week: "Inventor Plans to Get to Heaven by Catapult!'' (Weekly World News)
If successful, he'll be able to evaluate the accuracy of a second WWN story headlined, "Surprise! God is Clean-Shaven!'' According to the article, traditional images of the Almighty as an old man with a white beard are apparently wrong. Modern theologians "by and large agree that God is clean-shaven and looks like a person in the prime of life.''
Unpaid Informants: Wireless Flash News Service, U.S. News & World Report, Chicago Sun-Times, PR Newswire.Copyright © 2000 by Roy Rivenburg
Distributed by Creators Syndicate