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| Oct. 17, 2001
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| By Roy Rivenburg |
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| The Walrus Wasn’t Paul: While
listening to actor Kevin Spacey’s frightening
rendition of John Lennon’s ‘‘Mind Games’’
during a recent TV tribute, we wondered what Lennon would
think if he were alive. And then we remembered: He is.
Sort of. The John Lennon Artificial Intelligence Project is a computer that has been programmed to answer questions as if it were the ex-Beatle. (Other versions of the software answer questions as Elvis or Jack the Ripper). So, in honor of Lennon’s 61st birthday on Oct. 9, we visited the website and asked a few questions. For a dead guy, Lennon was surprisingly cooperative, but we did encounter some glitches. For instance, when we asked if William Shatner’s hair is real, cyber-Lennon replied, ‘‘What are you doing in my kitchen?’’ And when we wanted to know who shot JFK, Lennon replied, ‘‘Paul McCartney,’’ whereas cyber-Elvis said: ‘‘I think the lone gunman acted alone.’’ So we decided to start with easier queries: Question: What is two times two? Lennon: Oh, that’s a tough one, isn’t it? Two times two is four. Q: How is it being dead? A: It’s not something I like to talk about these days. Q: Are you in heaven or hell? A: I’m nowhere, man. Q: Who was the walrus? A: Mary Poppins was the original walrus. Betcha didn’t know that. Q: Is ‘‘Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds’’ about LSD? A: I think so, but I’m not sure. Q: Did you like Kevin Spacey’s version of ‘‘Mind Games’’ on TNT’s Lennon tribute? A: No I didn’t. Is it important? Q: Who is Elton John? A: Some famous rock ’n roll creep. Alarming Trends Bureau: First anthrax and now this: -- The man behind the Pet Rock craze of the 1970s has announced plans for a Pet Rock comeback. -- Shania Twain is recording a cover of Cher’s 1973 hit ‘‘Half Breed,’’ for which she should be stoned with Pet Rocks. -- A New York researcher theorizes that dumb people are more sexually attractive than smart people. -- Following the lead of Heinz’s purple ketchup, Parkay has decided to sell colored margarine. Gymnasts of the Year: The award goes to Billy Bob Thornton and Angelina Jolie, who were described in the Los Angeles Times as ‘‘locked in a tight embrace, gazing into each other’s eyes as she kisses his earlobe.’’ Anger Management Bureau: Pinatas.com has begun selling Osama bin Laden pinatas. Supermarket Tabloid Headline of the Week: ‘‘How to Tell if Your Dog’s an Alcoholic! Is Fido Becoming a Party Animal?’’ (Weekly World News) Apparently, booze hounds are growing in number, which is why WWN recommends the following measures: keep your TV tuned to religious programming when the dog is around; check for hidden stashes of liquor in the doghouse; encourage your pet to attend Animal Alcoholics Anonymous; check your dog’s water dish to ‘‘make sure he isn’t sneaking vodka in there.’’ Dog owners should also be on the alert for these warning signs of canine alcohol abuse: -- Poor coordination. When you toss your dog a Frisbee, does he catch it in his mouth or does it bounce off his head? -- The smell of liquor on your pet’s breath or fur. -- Changes in behavior. Your pooch begins hanging out with a bad pack of mutts, spending nights away from home with no explanation for his absence. Unpaid Informants: Wireless Flash News Service. Copyright © 2001 by Roy Rivenburg Distributed by Creators Syndicate |
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