Lunatic Fringe Bureau:
Although the next Star Wars
sequel wont hit theaters until 2002, a Florida man
says you can view it now by tuning into the cosmic
wave band in outer space. Poet Michael Levy
claims all creative ideas are stored in the cosmic band,
which gives off frequencies that anyone can mentally tune
into for previews of songs, movies and books.
Naturally, we wanted to tune into
advance copies of Off-Kilter, so we wouldnt have to
waste time writing them, but the only creative tale
available during our attempt was actor Robert Blakes
alibi for the slaying of his wife.
Anyway, Levys theory got us wondering whether theres
also a cosmic wave band for stupid ideas. How else to
explain the release of Crocodile Dundee in
Los Angeles or President Bushs
Sure enough, we soon located the spastic wave
band, a repository in deep space for all
moronic ideas, including the XFL, the goatee fad and WB
Network programming. It also is the source for many of
our columns. Other recent breakthroughs apparently
spawned by the dumb zone include:
-- A Maryland school principal has banned the game of tag
at recess because it violates a campus no
touching policy, according to the Chicago Sun-Times.
-- A Colorado ministry announced plans to build
Messiahville USA, a theme park that will include a
replica of the Last Supper featuring talking robot
disciples and Lord.
-- The White House recently hosted a visit by the San
-- The Post Offices citizen stamp advisory
committee has received a request to issue pretzel stamps
with beer-flavored glue. (Actually, this might be a good
idea, depending on what brand of beer is used.)
-- A Canadian woman who fell while visiting her parents
has sued them for failing to adequately supervise their
-- True Value Hardware is set to unveil magnetic wall
paints that will enable homeowners to place refrigerator
magnets all over the house.
-- Europes latest musical trend is playing songs
from video arcade games.
Great Moments in History: When
archaeologists opened King Tuts tomb in 1922, they
found 145 loincloths.
Off-Kilter Encyclopedia: In the African
version of the story of Hansel and Gretel, the witchs
cottage is made from salt instead of gingerbread, because
salt is considered extremely valuable in that culture,
according to Trivia Time.
Meanwhile, in a soon-to-be-released California version of
the story, the witchs cottage will be made from
Soft Drink Sacrament: Looking for
salvation in a bottle? Or a can? Try Coca-Cola. While
explaining a new ad campaign for the soft drink, Coke
executive Nick Bishop said: The power of Coca-Cola
is in the authentic way it can connect people to
themselves, to others and to a culture that it is part of.
Well let you decide which cosmic wave band Mr.
Bishop has been tuning into lately.
Weird PR Stunts: The Angel Soft toilet
paper company is donating a years supply of TP to
each contestant from Survivor.
Supermarket Tabloid Headline of the Week: Abraham,
Martin and John Are Back! Hero Spirits Reach From Beyond
the Grave to Kick Skinhead Butt! (Weekly
Bonus headline, also from WWN: Snake Charming
May Be New Olympic Event! The campaign to win
official approval for snake charming is sponsored by the
Coalition for Inclusion of Reptilian Gymnastics in
Unpaid Informants: Wireless
Flash News Service, Cheryl Smith, PR Newswire, Heather
Copyright © 2001 by Roy Rivenburg
Distributed by Creators