Shampoo Karaoke Bureau:
Bathrooms can be hazardous to your health. Exotic and
deadly germs lurk on countertops. Snakes and tiny
alligators sometimes swim up sewer lines and hide in
toilets. And the Ty-D-Bol man is now a homeless drifter
who is wanted in 18 states on weapons charges.
But the biggest threat to your well-being is the shower.
If you walk into a bathroom while someone else is bathing,
its very likely youll be subjected to the
horrors of country music. According to a survey by Westin
Hotels, more people sing country tunes in the shower than
any other type of music. (Only 7 percent croon classical
music, perhaps because the lyrics are so hard to remember.)
The survey also revealed that one of the publics
biggest pet peeves about bathing in hotel rooms is when
the shower curtain billows in and touches their skin.
Sermon of the Week: The Rev. Ian Paisley
has declared that God will destroy
anyone who line-dances.
Ivy League Bush League: In case youre
under the impression that President Bushs brain is
a few votes short of a quorum, the Annals of Improbable
Research (www.improbable.com) has announced
the discovery of numerous scientific papers authored or
co-authored by G. Bush. They
include: Anterior Cingulate Cortex
Dysfunction in Attention-Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder
Revealed by fMRI and the Counting Stroop (from
Biological Psychiatry), Some Results of
Recording Acoustic Signals From High-Altitude Explosions
(from our favorite source for light summer reading,
Izvestiya Akademii Nauk Fizika Atmosfery I Okeana), and
Pacific Sea Surface Temperature Forcing
Dominates Orbital Forcing of the Early Holocene Monsoon
(from Quaternary Research).
So you see, the president is no intellectual lightweight.
Then again, maybe his dad wrote all that stuff.
Alarming Trends Bureau: Rocker Jon Bon
Jovi is now Dr. Jon Bon Jovi, thanks to an honorary PhD
from Monmouth University. Perhaps this means hes
also qualified to write some scientific papers with G.
Mark Your Calendars: Its Ozone
Awareness Week in Pennsylvania. Have you hugged your
triatomic form of oxygen today?
Save Our Schools Bureau: Here at Off-Kilter,
were always looking for creative ways to improve
our nations educational system, such as firing all
U.S. history teachers and replacing them with a set of
quarters. A new survey shows that 72 percent of
youngsters believe that collecting quarters from the U.S.
Mints 50-state series has helped them to learn more
about American history.
If only the Mint would come out with a series of coins
featuring authors and physicists, maybe we could also get
rid of English and science teachers.
Important Medical Update: Actors who win
Oscars live four years longer, on average, than actors
who dont, according to a study by the University of
Quote of the Week: From a Harrisburg, Pa.,
school board member, commenting on the suspension of a 6-year-old
for bringing a toenail clipper to campus: This
is not about a toenail clipper. This is about the
attachments on the toenail clipper.
Delusions of Grandeur Bureau: In his new
book, Shaquille ONeal claims credit for inventing
the Taco Bell Chihuahua.
Bonus Energy Guide: Everything you always
wanted to know about energy crisis solutions, from Roy
Rivenburg's May 18 story in the Los Angeles Times:
Because the rival energy plans issued last week by
President Bush and the Democrats are long-winded and
filled with technical terms such as "electricity,"
"nuclear power" and "dude," The Times
has prepared this handy reference:
Question: Will I have to make
personal sacrifices to reduce energy consumption?
Answer: Lord, no. Neither plan
asks Americans to change their lifestyles. The cover
photo on the Democratic energy proposal shows--no joke--a
happy family washing their sport-utility vehicle. Not to
be outdone, the Bush plan depicts a happy family pouring
55-gallon drums of gasoline directly into storm drains
and running 12 air conditioners outdoors to cool off
Q: What will be done to boost
domestic energy production?
A: The Bush plan encourages
drilling for oil in previously protected areas, such as
the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge, the Statue of
Liberty and the Vatican. The Democrats call for hiring
experienced hillbillies to roam the countryside shootin'
at some food, in hopes that one day they'll hit some
Q: What about renewable energy
A: Bush has earmarked $2
million for research into the secret of the Energizer
Bunny. "He keeps going and going and going!"
said an incredulous Bush. "It's amazing! There must
be a way to harness that energy."
Q: How's the outlook for power
shortages this summer?
A: To stave off rolling
blackouts, Bush is working with Fox TV to create an
exciting new game show called "Electricity Survivor,"
in which the governors of all 50 states will compete
weekly and then vote one state off the national power
grid. The states that survive through the end of summer
should have all the power they need, he said.
Q: What about conservation?
A: In a major concession to
Democrats, Bush said he "appreciated and respected"
their desire for a comprehensive conservation program.
"Therefore, under my plan, all Democrats will have
to reduce their energy consumption by 35%."
Q: What if that's not enough?
A: Then Bush would ask states
that use the electric chair to switch to an Energy Star-rated
model. As a last resort, he would ask the heavy-metal
group Spinal Tap to turn down the volume on its speakers
from 11 to 10, thereby saving thousands of megawatts a
Q: Can anything be done about
gas-guzzling sport-utility vehicles?
A: Bush would discourage the
use of SUVs by giving tax credits to people who buy one
of those new Cadillac or Lincoln pickup trucks instead.
Q: Any viable alternatives to
oil and nuclear energy?
A: Bush calls for increased
reliance on hydroelectric power, which would be achieved
by damming Niagara Falls. The Democrats suggest exploring
"untapped natural gas reserves," such as Rush
Limbaugh, whom they described as "full of methane."
Q: Are there
any ideas that Bush and the Democrats agree on?
A: Yes. They both favor making
Saudi Arabia our 51st state.
Supermarket Tabloid Headline of the Week:
How Did Elvis Presley Get Into Richard Nixons
Grave? (Weekly World News)
Unpaid Informants: PR
Newswire, Chicago Sun-Times, www.internetwire.com,
Wireless Flash News Service.
Copyright © 2001 by Roy Rivenburg
Distributed by Creators