Brave New World Bureau:
The 21st century is only a few months old, but it’s
already surpassed the previous millennium in terms of
scientific and cultural advancements. For example:
-- Goodyear has just unveiled the world’s first tire
made from corn. (No word on whether blowouts create
popcorn.)
-- A Swedish hotel has brought new meaning to the term
‘‘elevator music’’ by equipping its
lifts with buttons that allow passengers to choose from
10 different musical styles while riding between floors.
Selections include funk, electronic and R&B.
-- A 49-year-old British man married a pub on March 1, in
a ceremony officiated by a vicar from the Church of
England.
-- A Beverly Hills company plans to sell prepaid phone
cards depicting Pope John Paul II. Don’t leave Rome
without it.
-- The makers of Tekno, the robotic dog, are now
introducing Polly, a ‘‘charismatic
and sassy’’ robot parrot that flaps its
metallic wings, ruffles its headdress, nibbles high-tech
crackers and repeats anything you teach it . The pseudo
bird also has eyes that turn from green to yellow to red
(like a traffic signal), depending on its ‘‘mood.’’
-- In an effort to boost tourism in South Korea,
officials are promoting a tour of Seoul’s restrooms.
-- A New York dairy company has captured the world record
for largest dip by creating a 2,314-pound bowl of sour
cream dip. The previous record, set in 1999 in Australia,
was a 1,807-pound bowl of guacamole.
Beauty by Geography: What’s the
latest in spa treatments? It depends on the location. At
the Arizona Biltmore hotel, clients can have their bodies
marinated in cactus juice. At the Hotel Hershey in
Pennsylvania, the beauty options include a ‘‘chocolate
fondue wrap’’ (mud mixed with cocoa) or a
whipped cocoa whirlpool bath (sorry, no little
marshmallows).
A Napa Valley, Calif., spa offers grape-seed scrubs. And
a Dallas hotel features a barbecue sauce wrap (no word on
whether they clean you up afterward with a giant lemon-scented
moist towelette).
These are steps in the right direction, but for real
innovation, we recommend the Love Canal whirlpool bath,
the Texas fire ant wrap, the McDonald’s scalding
coffee steam bath or the Bosnia land mine scrub.
Great Moments in History: Two hundred
twenty years ago March 13, scientists discovered Uranus.
No doubt there’s a good punch line in there
somewhere, but this is a family column, so you’ll
have to supply your own.
Quote of the Week: This gem is actually
from 20 years ago, but it recently popped up in a New
York Daily News report about ‘‘The New York
Friars Club Book of Roasts.’’ At his 1981 roast,
Burt Reynolds made this startling confession:
‘‘My days as a leading man are numbered, so I
started a breeding company -- and out of that came Robert
Urich, who is part me and part Shetland pony.’’
Supermarket Tabloid Headline of the Week:
‘‘World’s Monsters Are Out of Control!’’
(Weekly World News)
Bigfoot attacks are up 300 percent since 1999. The Loch
Ness Monster is on a boat-sinking spree. The Georgia
Swamp Monster recently devoured 11 children. A half-alligator,
half-man (perhaps a cousin of Robert Urich?) has embarked
on a killing rampage in the Florida Everglades. Tibet
authorities have spotted an army of abominable snowmen
marching through the Himalayas. And Indiana’s
‘‘giant turtle’’ just crushed 12 cars.
Meanwhile, a group of politically correct humans is
playing into the monsters’ hands. According to WWN,
Scottish animal-rights activists have petitioned their
government to officially change the name of the Loch Ness
Monster to Loch Ness Creature, because the word
‘‘monster’’ carries negative
connotations.
Unpaid Informants: Wireless
Flash News Service, PR Newswire, Washington Post,
Associated Press, Baird Jones.
Copyright © 2001 by Roy Rivenburg
Distributed by Creators
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