Empty Heads Bureau:
For years, psychologists have labored in vain to
understand the workings of the human brain. Unfortunately,
this research was based on the premise that every person
HAS a brain. Evidence is mounting that such is not the
case. For example:
-- Actor Lorenzo Lamas says demons are stealing his socks,
according to Wireless Flash News.
-- Russia is sending spies to the U.S. to pilfer Col.
Sanders chicken recipe, says a new book. (Apparently
FBI spy Robert Hanssen gave Russia all the military
secrets it needs, so this is whats left.)
-- PetsMart stores now sell Harley-Davidson hats and
jackets for dogs.
-- Actress Leelee Sobieski has decided to try her hand at
poetry. Sample verse: Yelling slowly/She
walked around/Sound emitting from her kidneys/Painful
noises/Without baby tremors/His name could have been Troy/Not
the horseman, what?
-- 27 percent of Americans arent happy unless their
lawn is greener than the neighbors yard, according
to a survey by Sears.com.
-- Hollywood has unveiled an Animal Actors Walk of Fame.
The first inductees were Babe the pig and Jinx the cat
from Meet the Parents.
Inexplicably, the walk ignores Dino Flintstone, Mr. Ed,
Toonces the driving cat, Spot from The
Munsters, King Kong and the Caddyshack
gopher. (Any animals weve left out?)
Prurient Interest Press: One of the
hottest new books this spring will be Modern
Tactics in Higher Education. As you probably
guessed from the title, its all about sex. In an
attempt to keep curious kids from reading the book when
parents arent home, it comes with a reversible dust
jacket to hide the real title: Married Lust:
An Explicit Guide to Keeping Passion Alive After Tying
Final Frontier Bureau: New Yorks
Hayden Planetarium recently underwent a facelift and
reopened with exhibits dedicated to Abbie Hoffman, Jerry
Rubin and the rest of the Chicago Seven. No wait, thats
the TOM Hayden Planetarium. New Yorks Hayden
features giant planets, a new space show and a space quiz.
However, the answers to the quiz are dull, so we suggest
Question: What is the term for a vast interstellar cloud
of gas and dust?
New Answer: Rush Limbaugh.
Question: What is a bottomless pit in the fabric of space?
New Answer: Fox-TVs reality programming.
Question: What do you call the catastrophic explosion of
a massive star?
New Answer: Robert Downey Jr.
(The original answers are nebula, black hole and
Famous Dates in History: On March 23,
1879, the first telephone was installed in the White
House. Before that, the emergency hotline linking
Washington with the Kremlin consisted of two cans and a
very long string. Also in 1879, a federal study found
that people who rode horses while talking on a cellular
tin can were three times more likely to get into a wreck.
Off-Kilter Encyclopedia: During Passover,
Coca-Cola brews a kosher version of its famous soda, made
with cane sugar instead of corn syrup. Kosher Coke is
sold in areas with large Jewish populations.
Supermarket Tabloid Headline of the Week: The
Sombrero of Doom! Silly Souvenir Kills
Everyone Who Wears It! (Weekly World News)
Bonus headline, also from WWN: JonBenets
Killer Revealed! No, it wasnt the
Sombrero of Doom. The 6-year-old beauty queen died at the
hands of ... famed skyjacker D.B. Cooper!
Unpaid Informants: Parade,
Baird Jones, Scott Martelle, PR Newswire.
Copyright © 2001 by Roy Rivenburg
Distributed by Creators