Flying Fur Bureau:
El Al Airlines is launching the world’s first
frequent flyer program for pets. So it’s only a
matter of time before dogs, cats, goldfish and other
animals earn enough points to sit in the main passenger
cabin, where they’ll probably disrupt travel by
howling at inflight movies, getting frisky with
stewardesses and whining to be taken outside during the
middle of the flight.
Spiritual Vacuum Bureau: It has been
said that Internet searches are a window to the soul -- a
sort of electronic barometer of what Americans really
think and feel. If so, here’s a glimpse at the
nation’s spiritual health: During a recent plunge in
the Nasdaq, FindWhat.com recorded 127 searches for the
phrase ‘‘Alan Greenspan naked.’’ On
the day that Jennifer Lopez’ latest CD debuted,
searches for the word ‘‘buttock’’
soared. And when Tom Hanks received an Oscar nomination
for ‘‘Cast Away,’’ searches for the
words ‘‘volleyball’’ and ‘‘Wilson’’
climbed 31 percent.
Why Academics Shouldn't Read the Bible:
Researchers from the University of California at San
Diego have concluded that Samson, the Old Testament
character known for ripping apart a lion with his bare
hands, lying chronically, killing 1,000 men with a donkey’s
jawbone and using foxtails as torches, suffered from
antisocial personality disorder.
Also, needless to say, his animal-rights record wouldn’t
make him a popular seatmate among pets with frequent
flyer miles on El Al.
Fermented Grape Psychiatry: A Chicago
wine expert says actor Russell Crowe’s personality
is like a blend of cabernet sauvignon, merlot and
cabernet franc -- ‘‘moody, turbulent and
intense’’ -- whereas actor Juliette Binoche’s
personality is comparable to a Viognier wine:
‘‘powerful, yet refined and voluptuous.’’
Lunatic Fringe Bureau: Wall Street could
take on a radical new ambience if traders follow the
advice of stockbroker Marcus Goodwin. In his book,
‘‘The Psychic Investor,’’ Goodwin
claims people can increase the value of a stock by having
sex with a fellow shareholder and chanting that they both
want the price to rise.
Alarming Trends Bureau: Player pianos
are going high-tech. Yamaha has manufactured a $333,000
model equipped with a Pentium III processor, voice
activation and music video display screen.
Years of Therapy: Candice Bergen says
her childhood bedroom was smaller than the room given to
her father’s famous ventriloquist’s dummy,
Charlie McCarthy.
Signs of the Times: Political
correctness has spread into outer space. Quisp, the pink-fleshed
space creature whose cereal vanished in the 1970s, has
returned to Earth. But his image has been slightly
altered. He no longer carries a ray gun and his
‘‘sugary cereal’’ is now labeled
‘‘crunchy corn cereal.’’
In other intergalactic news, a Tucson, Ariz., man who
legally changed his name to Obi-Wan Kenobi in 1999
recently switched it back to James Wilkowski, partly
because his bosses didn’t take him seriously when he
applied for promotions. Fortunately, Tucson still has one
other Obi-Wan Kenobi, the former James-Michael Maume
Alameda.
Lame Joke of the Week: Adapted from the
Oregonian: What do John The Baptist, Jack The Ripper and
Kermit The Frog have in common? Answer: Same middle name.
Supermarket Tabloid Headline of the Week: ‘‘Top
Sportswriters Agree the XFL is Doomed ... Because It
Doesn’t Have Enough Criminals on Its Teams!’’
(Weekly World News)
‘‘If players aren’t
stalking their neighbors, dealing drugs or putting hits
out on their girlfriend, what are we going to write about?’’
fumed one scribe. ‘‘Their past scholastic
achievements?’’
Unpaid Informants:
Wireless Flash News Service, fredericksburg.com, Mary
Stolzenbach, John Wilcock, Quisp.com, Arizona Daily Star.
Copyright © 2001 by Roy Rivenburg
Distributed by Creators
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