May 17, 2000

Lock 'em Up or Blow 'em up

By Roy Rivenburg

Medieval Basement Bureau: One of the biggest problems with modern civilization is that there are so few dungeons around. We can't tell you how many times we've been out to dinner or the movies and wanted to imprison someone, but couldn't because of insufficient dungeon space.

Even when something is available, it's often too well-lit or not dank enough because of health codes and improper humidity settings.

Fortunately, an Oregon man has developed the world's first portable dungeon. Weighing just 20 pounds, it can be assembled in minutes and used to restrain up to two people. And once you're through, it collapses into a handy travel bag. Price: $599.

The only thing missing is a portable moat.

Out of Sync: We don't normally go around detonating atomic weapons, but next Tuesday night, we have little choice but to destroy the city of Denver with a 25-megaton bomb.

We apologize for any inconvenience to Colorado, but it's really for the best. We recently discovered an educational PBS website that allows visitors to explode nuclear weapons anywhere in the world (you can even type in a street address), and then shows a map of the destruction.

Next, we found a website with tour dates for 'N Sync and learned that Lance, Justin, Chris, Joey and J.C. are scheduled to perform at Mile High Stadium early next week. We'll be cutting their set a little short with a blast 2,000 times stronger than the one at Hiroshima.

Although we could've opted for a smaller weapon, it didn't seem prudent to risk having one of the band members somehow escape. Hasta la vista.

Leave It To Weaver: Actor Dennis Weaver (of "McCloud" fame) has written an autobiography and is seeking the public's help in coming up with a title.

Here are our ideas: "Nobody Cares" or "No, Really, Nobody Cares" or "Are You Related to Charlie Weaver, the Former Center Square in 'Hollywood Squares'? You're Not? Then Nobody Cares."

Creative Accounting Bureau: A contest to find the weirdest items that employees have submitted on company expense reports was won by an Oregon man who bought a voodoo doll to hex a business rival. The expense was reimbursed.

Runners-up in the competition included:

  • An elephant rental fee of $2,500, filed after a large piece of machinery got stuck in a quarry of mud and the only way to haul it out was by renting three elephants from a nearby traveling circus.
  • A businessman who used a can of Sterno to cook kielbasa in his Chicago hotel room while taking a shower. Unfortunately, a grease fire started and torched some drapes. So his expense report listed 75 cents for the Sterno and $2,788 for the room and fire damage.

    Business Sign of the Week: Painted on a van driving through Pomona: "Jesus is Lord Rooter and Plumbing Drain Cleaning Service. Se Habla Espanol."

    Great Moments in History: Eighty years ago this week, the U.S. Postal Service changed its regulations to ban the sending of human beings via parcel post.

    Alarming Trends Bureau: H.R. Pufnstuf, the yellow dragon who wore white go-go boots, is now available on DVD.

    Best Supermarket Tabloid Headline: "Betsy Ross Was Born With a Full Set of Adult Teeth!" (Weekly World News)

    Unpaid Informants: Wireless Flash News Service, Chicago Sun-Times.

    Copyright © 2000 by Roy Rivenburg
    Distributed by Creators Syndicate